Ok, then. Things look bad for our hero.
The very notion that Tony & Co. would hire a bunch of unrepentant mass murderers to bring in Captain America is so over the top. Forget the ethics of it, who knows you can’t trust these guys more than the people hiring them? It’s the most Millar thing in this series, shock over story, and it sucks so bad. This one opens with the Storms making a daring escape from some cape-killers. Forget anything happening in their own title, I guess.
Oh, he’s got good reason, he’s still in the scene at the end of ASM 535. Well… sort of, anyway…
Temporary! It’s temporary now! It was forever in ASM 535, but it’s temporary later in the same evening in this! Ugh, this stupid event. JMS was given too free a reign on his titles. Rumor had it his contract stipulated that editorial couldn’t change his scripts. So he gets to blatantly contradict the main series as often as he wants, and we just deal with it, and a dumb story becomes dumber as a direct result. And whatever happens in the main book is what’s really happening. That’s why it’s called the main book. So JMS went off script to make Tony as unrepentantly evil as possible to serve his own agenda in a truly essential tie-in (Given how it picks right up in this issue), and screwed up everything. Just ridiculous. Also, “Thor” sure did “respond like a police officer.” Also, Tony calling that thing “Thor” is vile. But, that’s the event. “By the time we’re done, all your heroes will look worse!”
Strong points from Tony. It’s so funny how he’s right in the main book and tying women to railroad tracks in JMS books. What else could they have done? Public opinion was overwhelmingly for registration. You can try to change that, but to just refuse isn’t exactly gonna make people like you. Whatever happened to democracy? If the majority wants it, they should get it. Even if it’s wrong! Who is Captain America, of ALL people, to decide the will of the people should be ignored because he doesn’t like it? This stupid country has happily supported all kinds of things I’ve vehemently opposed, but if the majority wants it, this is supposed to be a democracy, we’ll suffer together. And if the majority happens to be right… As I write this, a few years ago, the voters of Mississippi overwhelmingly passed a ballot initiative to legalize medical marijuana. The state legislature and governor then proceeded to simply countermand the will of the people, coming up with reasons that don’t hold up legally not to implement it, delaying, obfuscating, being Republicans about it. Is that what Cap is supposed to think should’ve happened? The government should’ve looked at the people demanding this law and said “no?” Is this book positing that majority rule is a bad thing? Like a stupid comic book about Captain America punching Iron Man really isn’t the place to debate this type of thing, but they chose to do that, not me! I’m just the one reading it, marveling at how facile and juvenile and poorly thought out the “politics” are. AND ANOTHER THING! While I’m way off on a tangent. It’s amazing to me during and after this, how the real-world politics of it worked. By now, the average comic book fan is pretty liberal. They like to read, after all. And fans overwhelmingly sided with Cap. Fans looked at people pushing responsible regulation vs. the myth of American rugged individualism, and overwhelmingly chose the conservative position! In the real world, these same readers believe in the EPA and the FDA and gun control, but they come down hard against regulation in this comic book. And why is that? Because as presented in this event, it’s a terrible idea! The last thing you want is a Marvel Universe where every hero is a cop. It’s not what you, the reader, want. But regulation is what you, the reader, demand of your government in the real world. The cognitive dissonance was just astounding to me. And still is, clearly. All of this leads to my oft-repeated point that this is a subject best left unaddressed in superhero comics. There’s no good answer that also leads to a satisfying Marvel Universe. And yet, here we are. This is just the tip of the iceberg.
Maria Hill knows what’s happening, and over Tony’s objections, activates the Thunderbolts Program, which is “still top secret,” on account of not even the staunchest pro-registration American wants friggin Bullseye running through their neighborhood, OBVIOUSLY. She wants 14 slavering psychopaths loosed on New York to hunt Spider-Man. Great stuff. Spidey’s running through a sewer, but they got cameras down there, apparently, and soon a stupid toy explodes in front of him, as the Jester, surely the most dangerous of all villains, is the first on the scene. Then Jack O’Lantern joins in, telling Spider-Man he & Jester are finally joining the A-List. And who even is that Jack O’Lantern? Internet sez it’s the Jack O’Lantern who was in a bunch of Captain America comics after the original became the Hobgoblin. Not to be confused with DeMatteis’ “Mad Jack” nonsense, of course. Ok, fine, I guess he’s back.
The biggest indignity of all is Spider-Man getting jobbed out to these dorks. The JESTER? Come on, man. You had Venom & Bullseye and you sent the Jester and Great Value Jack O’Lantern? Don’t worry, tho, there’s an explicit reason they sent losers…
…because they’re dead now. Hey, who shoots people? Anyway, while that’s going on, Johny & Sue arrive at Cap’s secret base under their new fake identities as a married couple. Oh yeah, you read right. We learn Cap is planning a raid on the Baxter Building, and through it, the Negative Zone prison, but Cloak & Dagger just got pinched, and Cloak was key to that plan. Then someone waltzes in unannounced.
And that’s who shoots people. Weird, weird face on Cap. I have no idea who “Ultra Girl” is.
Frank’s reason for signing up makes sense…
…until the next page, when it’s revealed he’s been the one shadowing this team and helping them, before he learned about the Thunderbolts, whomp whomp. Almost got something logical in there! Additionally, most of these people have teamed up with the Punisher. This whole “Ugh! We can’t work with HIM!” thing coming from the likes of Luke Cage, who overlooked the… everything of it all when Frank got plastic surgery to become black in the 90s and was hanging out with him all the time only plays if you don’t know about that. And that’s the least of the characterization issues where Punisher joining this team is concerned, believe you me. Also, look, Tigra’s up to something! Meanwhile:
Wholly correct take from She-Hulk. It’s really that simple. As DD, who is Iron Fist of course, is being led into the prison, Tony Stark is explaining this is all their best bet, that the alternative was a total ban. That they’re creating a superhero team for each of the 50 states to keep the peace, and that they’d much prefer to have DD on that team than in prison. I just think it’s hilarious no one’s taken his mask off to see who they’re arresting. They just go “Oh, it’s Daredevil,” and it’s not even Daredevil. Isn’t unmasking baked into registration as this book presents it?
Man, that’s one weak cliffhanger. If you can even call it one. A series that has had issues end on Spider-Man unmasking, the apparent return of Thor and the revelation of Marvel Suicide Squad, and this is the best you can do for #5? I guess so! Next up: We examine Spider-Man’s embarrassing loss to those jobbers in not one, but TWO different tie-ins! I know!