When I started this blog, lo those many aeons ago, I tagged every single character. I thought someone would be searching google for every scrap of info about some obscure person, and I would be there for them. I have been that person. But that was 6 years ago. Now I’m 4 issues into this and still refuse to learn the names of the Spider-Girls, let alone tag them, because who could possibly care? Such is life. I’ve also somehow made it this far without commenting my frequent thought that Pat Olliffe’s style, evolved for this period, is actually quite slick. It evokes Rick Leonardi sometimes, while also getting a dash of the “realism” trend, not easy things to balance. We open on Spider-Man friecly recapping the past 3 issues, which have felt like 1 million years to me, as he heads down to hear Teri Hillman’s public address with the dreadful Norah Winters.
Would Norah Winters or Peter Parker know who Emma Frost is? I guess the Astonishing X-Men series had them (very briefly) trying to be more integrated with the Marvel U (For like 2 issues), but that just feels weird. “If that lady from the secret society we all know about can reform…” At school, the Spider-Girls are told they’re celebrities now, and invited to the Mean Girls’ party. Oh boy. At FEAST, Peter offers to take them out to dinner to celebrate their victory over Hillman, which seems awkward, but they can’t, on account of their party. The girls debate when to arrive and what to wear by phone, and a ASS cop decides the party is a great place to kidnap these teenagers.
And they do! They gassed children!
This is insane even by NYPD standards.
I’m speechless, I think. “REAL NYPD officers would never stoop to the kidnapping of minors.” Well, they did, genius. He beats up all the cops but their leader, who puts a gun to one of the girls’ head and tells him to surrender. But the girl tells him to shoot her, because her friends are videoing him on their phones, which they are, a thought that had never occurred to him, which is very 2009. And that distraction is enough for…
The blue wall of silence 100% would have covered this in real life.
So, like, how does making them resign help? “For kidnapping these children and threatening to murder one of them, you get… to find a new job! Take that!” That’s not a real punishment!
And he does. He mingles with the teenagers, taking pictures and defending not being on Facebook, and then the Mean Girl’s dad reveals the next birthday guest. Would you believe it’s Spectrum? It’s Spectrum. Spider-Man leaps into action. Bob Gale tells us that, by “spraying superfine webbing” on his eyepieces, he’ll be able to see Spectrum, which is ridiculous, and works, so he takes down the villain in 1 panel.
All the kids turn on Spider-Man for ruining their party, natch, but the Spider-Girls still love him. Then Teri Hillman is called home from dinner for an emergency.
What an abrupt ending. Bob Gale has an amazing track record. Zero wins. Zeb Wells, Dan Slott and Marc Guggeneheim all managed decent-to-good stuff at least occasionally, but Gale is striking out at bat every. Single. Time. Why did they insist on keeping him around? Is Back to the Future that important to them? Sheesh.