People can be very stupid, and speaking as a person myself, I have been known to do stupid things. Take this issue, for example. ASM 601 had a backup story I felt I just had to own, even if I wasn’t buying ASM anymore. So I was planning on it. But then, just buying 601 and skipping the milestone 600th issue felt kind of strange to my comic-collecting-addled brain. So I bought this, too. Even though I didn’t really want to. Even though I hadn’t bought an issue of ASM in a year and a half and was doing just fine, actually, getting my Spider-Fix from USM and New Avengers, never even knowing Norah Winters existed. Life was good in that way. But I bought this like a dutiful little nerd, so we look at a paper comic this time. And next time, even! This issue features a rather strange wraparound cover from the art team, wherein the back cover is kinda empty:
I mean, was that really necessary? What about that sweet, sweet ad space? Well, anyway, we’re back with Dan Slott, John Romita, Jr., Klaus Janson and Dean White to celebrate Spider-Man’s big 600th issue.
It’s Doc Ock time. At least they decided to bring Spider-Man’s actual archenemy back for 600, as a blessed break from Obsorn.
I can source most of these head injuries, but I have no idea when Ock got zapped by Ultron. Secret Wars? Acts of Vengeance?
Yes, friends, Doc Ock is dying. Again. And again and again. I don’t even care if it’s a spoiler to say it takes him forever. He just keeps coming back for one last chance to get revenge before he goes, and you keep thinking, “Shouldn’t he be dead by now?” and he keeps not being dead yet. He’ll even expand his endless parade of “final” schemes to include an arc in Iron Man. It quickly becomes laughable. This is the only one of his “final” schemes in ASM I read until the actual last one, but I know about them from being online. Ok, well, anyway, 4 months later, Spider-Man and Daredevil are busting up the villains in the Bar With No Name, over the objections of a very upset bartender who says there’s no fighting. Boomerang thinks he can stop them, because he’s not very smart.
Blindside! Who thought we’d ever see him again?
I really appreciate the difference in Spidey and DD’s reds. It’s a simple thing, but it’s cool. Dean White is cool.
And I really just enjoy seeing JR draw DD again. Peter is off to turn in pictures of the fight at Front Line, where Ben Urich and Sally Floyd wonder why he’s not at Aunt May’s rehearsal dinner. Ben says Robbie and the wretched Norah Winters took time off for it. Why on Earth is Norah invited? I just want to see a piano fall on her. Then Peter takes the subway to the dinner for some reason, so he’s late as usual, which is very stupid. He grumbles to himself that he picked a bad time to start conserving web fluid. When something monumentally important is happening? Come on, Dan. So he’s late, and we see Aunt May saying good by to a bunch of unnamed and barely seen Reillys, just a bunch of relatives out of nowhere. Then she & Jay say goodbye to Robbie, Martha and Randy, and Norah standing next to Randy makes me think she’s Amanda for a second. Did they tell us what happened to Amanda? I don’t remember. Apparently Norah is dating him now? He must like blondes. Peter finally runs up, blaming his deadline at work.
Yeah, well, the rehearsal was “one of the big things,” too, and you didn’t even miss it for Spider-Reasons, just because Dan Slott writes you stupid, so… Anyway, we see the lil’ octodroid things reporting back to Doc Ock…
Even though it blatantly contradicts John Romita and Stan Lee’s original vision, I always love people saying Ock actually cared for Aunt May. It’s so absurd, but it’s just about his only weak spot, the only place he can be nice. Next day, we see Aunt Anna and Peter helping plan the reception, and then, in a bunch of quick cuts, we learn the reception hall has been double-booked, the catering service has been shut down for health code violations, their officiant has lost his certification, and the marriage license hasn’t been issued. Seems like the sort of thing a mayor could do. also, May is wearing an NYPD cap, for some reason?
But what if it’s not the mayor?
Spider-Man suddenly finds everything he touches is dangerous, from an exploding transformer to an electrified lamppost to out of control cars. While he’s fighting inanimate objects, Carlie arrives at Jay’s to find Norah there, attempting to break in. She says she came to learn more about Jay’s outburst earlier, and neighbors told her they heard a struggle inside. They find the place trashed, and the remains of a bot on Jay’s golf club. Carlie says she’s seen something like it before. Has she? Have I forgotten something?
Then, the strangest thing happens.
Yes, ASM remembers Spider-Man is an Avenger. That never happens anymore! It’s also fun to see Romita draw Wolverine again. He’s had such an impact on so many characters! Captain America is, at this moment, one of the few he’s not really worked on, but this art team will be rectifying that with a year-long run on the title unfortunately written by Rick Remender, which makes it not very good. All told, as I write this, the FF are really the only major property he’s not had a significant run on. Spider-Man (perpetually), Daredevil, X-Men (twice), Iron Man (twice), Thor, Hulk, Wolverine, Cap, Avengers, 6 extremely consequential issues of Black Panther, way more Punisher than the character deserved, Sentry, the Eternals, 3 events, including Marvel’s very first, Contest of Champions, the list goes on and on. But not FF, which feels almost sad to me. He’s done some FF. He did The Last Fantastic Four Story, a non-canon final adventure “written by” Stan Lee in the 2000s. He did some FF when Dan Slott took over. But not a proper run, not even a short one. Well, that’s a tangent, for you. At any rate, Carlie calls Peter to tell him she and Norah are using the tracking device she created to find Spider Tracers to follow signal being output by the robot in Jay’s apartment (Even tho Ock just said that one stopped reporting in, wah wah), but when she describes the robot as “spider-like,” our man realizes it’s Doc Ock, and urges Carlie to get out of there, but it’s too late. And speaking of the FF!
That’s a good bit from Johnny up there.
Yes, he’s gone from vampire to mummy. At this point, you half expect him to die and be reanimated just so he can be a Frankenstein, or get bit by a werewolf. Well, that’s the plan. And this is only the halfway mark of this oversized, 100+ page bonanza. Only Romita, Jr. could have done this whole issue.
References to ASM 3, of course. Some fun banter for these 2. Inside, Carlie’s dookhickey leads them to a room where they find Jay, Carlie and Norah all wrapped up like mummies in machines with Doc Ock arms, which are naturally trying to kill them. As they struggle to defeat the 3 sets of arms without hurting anyone, Johnny tries to hit on the girls, which is pretty funny, if not totally in keeping with his late 2000s character. Spidey figures out the power source is on the back, and they disable to machines. He has Johnny take the hostages to freedom so he can go tackle Ock alone. The good doctor has been watching all this on a monitor, and says to himself that he welcomes their final battle. “Final.”
How on Earth did he fall for that? Why is Dan Slott’s Spider-Man so stupid all the time?
Our man tells Ock that his devices are wrecking the city, and Ock says it’s a minor setback and he’s got it under control. Spider-Man uses his prodigious strength to lever a big chunk of the wall down on top of Ock, a show of strength you don’t get very often, and then uses the break to go find the machine running the city and try to stop it. He puts on a helmet that lets him “upload a stronger brainwave pattern,” which is pretty dopey, and Ock is soon losing control of everything from his hold on the city to his own arms.
In short order, all the things preventing May’s wedding are reversed in a single page, and Jay manages to call her to let her know he’s ok. Back at the evil hideout, Ock reveals his stupid octobots are conveniently on a “closed system,” so he didn’t loosen Ock’s control over them, but he some how has control over them, despite losing control of his arms. That makes no sense, but it allows him to escape, saying he’ll have to start over, as Spider-Man is awash in robots. Johnny comes back just in time to fry them all.
This whole sequence babbling about his secret feels kind of perfunctory to me. Like this is the part where he learns a lesson, except he doesn’t. Well, it’s time for the wedding, finally. I only just hit the staples on this comic, there’s so much left. We move our scene to Peter’s apartment, where Michelle Gonzales is ribbing him for looking beat up as he gets ready for the wedding, and ends up putting makeup on him to help. When she finds out he’s going alone, she asks what the entrees are, and then goes to get dressed. Hey, never pass up a free meal. Quite a long way from where their relationship started.
Why would Johnny lie about being best pals with the old Coffee Bean gang? Has Slott been reading USM? Are Betty and Flash going to get back together? I think they should, personally. Whatever, I appreciate seeing so much of the supporting cast, old and new. And I also very much like this next page:
Nice work, everybody. Very sweet. Time for the main event.
When Jay inevitably dies or turns into a goblin or something, it’s gonna suck. David Michelinie’s weird vendetta against Nathan Lubensky notwithstanding, the writers know better than to pair May with someone who sucks. Even dopey Willie Lumkpin was kind of a sweet match. Good grief, what ever happened to him? Didn’t he ever check on May when she went into her coma? Or after? Sheesh. So, yeah, Jay is a a nice character and a devoted husband to May, sure sure, that clock is ticking even faster now. At any rate, we skip ahead to Aunt May throwing her bouquet for the ladies. As she tosses it, the cab we saw earlier finally pulls up, and its occupant catches the bouquet. Peter and May are shocked, and Aunt Anna says it’s her plus one. That’s right, folks.
Michelle’s introduction to the greater gang played not unlike MJ’s introduction back in ASM 44. And I wouldn’t be surprised if Slott made that connection on purpose prior to this. How long is MJ back for? What is MJ back for, exactly? Well, that’s apparently what the next arc is about. But there’s still more to this issue. A 60-page lead story by the best art team of the moment with a big milestone wasn’t enough for ASM 600, I guess. After a one-page gag by Jeph Loeb and Mike McKone of a “ASM cover you’ll never see!” that isn’t particularly finny, we move to our second feature, and look who’s responsible:
Stan Lee continues his long tradition of working with killer artists.
Especially at this point in his career, what Stan Lee tale is complete without aggrandizing Stan Lee? This story has the familiar post-70s cadence of a Stan Lee comic, with jokey asides at every tun. Spidey tries to explain to this guy that he’s having an identity crisis, that he feels like he’s been many different people, while the doc can only think about how this will make him a fortune and make him famous. Trying to explain his point, Spidey asks how many arms the doc has, and when he says “two,” our hero says he thought the same about himself…
Spidey turns into the Spider-Hulk from Web of Spider-Man 70, and if that wasn’t an obscure enough pull, he next shrinks down very tiny, like he did “on the way to the Micorverse,” referencing the series of Annuals in which he shrunk down in 1990, beginning in ASM Annual 24. All this is accompanied by “hilarious” jokes. He proceeds to turn into the Spider-Lizard from Spectacular Spider-Man 40, which is kind of a step down from Spider-Hulk, and then just a big spider, which I guess has to be a reference to the disastrous Spectacular Spider-Man, Vol. 2 #20. Then he turns into Spider-Ham, which is really pushing it.
For once, I fully believe Stan Lee wrote this plot. Stories where nothing happens are pretty much all he does in his late career. There follows another fake cover gag, which I am going to run…
Just for the sheer madness of it. Then we’re off to a story by Mark Waid, Colleen Doran (Making her 2nd appearance on the ol’ blog, after way back in ASM 326), and Jose Villarrubia called “My Brother’s Son,” about Uncle Ben. We find Peter has gone to his room upset at some point in the past, and Aunt May tells Ben to go make it right. Ben flashes back to how he’s been trying hard to raise Peter right, and we notably see him keep telling Peter his dad would be proud of him throughout the years, but he worries they’re drifting apart. then he finally enters the room.
Short but sweet. Man, this comic is never gonna end. I’ve been reading it for 3 nights. An hour is usually enough to do one of these posts, but not this time. Next is another fake cover, two, sort of, this one Matt Fraction’s idea, which is too gonzo not to run:
Next up, because this issue was going too well, Bob Gale gets in on the backup story action, alongside artist Mario Alberti, whose stuff looks interesting, at least. Peter Parker is sitting in a park, listening to some playing kids discuss what it would be like to be Spider-Man.
The least offensive Spider-Thing Bob Gale has done! Congrats, Bob. his second-to-last contribution to ASM. The comic that never ends continues with Marc Guggenheim, Mitch and Elizabeth Breitweiser doing an Aunt May story. It’s about May going to Ben’s grave to seek his blessing for this marriage. Which is a beat we’ve already seen covered, so this is even more perfunctory than a lot of these backup stories.
She tells Ben she’s been so busy at FEAST, and also that, since his death, Peter has seemed constantly distracted, like there’s a burden he’s carrying, over montage stuff of Spider-Man fighting Green Goblin, Venom, and, like a chest of drawers? I genuinely don’t know what I’m looking at there. Anyway.
Sure, sure. I’m really getting tired of reading this comic. I’ve been doing so for most of a week. And it’s still not over, as Zeb Wells, Derec Donovan and Antonio Fabela appear to tell us about Peter Parker and the wretch Norah Winters going to do a piece on superhero tech at the Smithsonian.
Oh my god, Wells has put Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons in my Spider-Man comic. I just want out of here.
Another page of everyone making fun of Spider-Man and Peter getting offended…
WHATEVER LET ME OUT OF HERE. Might as well run this Bendis/Janson “joke”…
Ok. And finally (I think! I hope!), Joe Kelly, Max Fiumara and Chris Chuckry bring you the story everyone obviously bought this issue for, a Madame Web short.
We see a 2-page spread of snippets of things that will be happening in future comics as Madame Web looks on aghast at the things Spider-Man, Spider-Woman and Araña will be up to.
Nothing but the costume details identifies this as Untitled Kraven Child #3. Since when is she some kind of feral runt? Well, I guess I’ll find out soon… ish… This comic is finally over! It cost $4.99 at a time when a regular issue was $2.99, and is 100+ pages. These days, Marvel will sell you a 50-page unnecessarily padded anniversary comic for $9.99 when a regular issue costs $3.99 or $4.99 (No rhyme or reason) and call that a deal. Comics just keep getting harder to love…