MKSM 07

Well. We’re past the halfway mark. Let’s get this over with. You know, this one’s been sitting on my desk all day, and I kept seeing Rhino’s lovingly sculpted hindquarters from a distance, and it read like a shoulder to me, but extending down into a weird mass that couldn’t be a human arm, if you want to know where my head is today. This one opens rather jarringly with Spider-Man fighting the Lizard in a sewer. Like, we thought he was gonna rush to the auction because it had something to do with May, and we left off there, the big reveal of Venom, and now we’re… not following up on either of those things. Lizard has apparently killed a whole bunch of people, torn them open. Not really on-brand for the Lizard, but very on-brand for Mark Millar. Spider-Man says this is how he’s been spending his nights since he was 18 (Bzzzzt), but he’s giving it all up soon. Oh, good, one of the all-time worst Spider-Tropes is getting thrown in here, too, why not?

Sure is weird for this to canonically take place after TAC 13. Just in so far as it means referencing a recent issue despite the whole Pulse fiasco (This issue sees print the month after Pulse 5).

So… we’re just ignoring the cliffhanger last month entirely? Now it’s been at least 4 days since the end of last issue? Ok, fine, I don’t care. Based on the year and the haircut, I’m assuming Rhino kidnapped Alizee? I primarily know her as the source of a dance in WoW, I’m not an expert, but it seems to fit. Maybe Millar just didn’t like her. Weird that he has the guts to name check all these extremely famous people in his comics, but not her. In The Ultimates, Hulk can be trying to kill Freddie Prinze, Jr. in one of the most cringe-inducing sequences of the decade, but mum’s the word on who this “French singer/songwriter” is. Am I stalling so I don’t have to keep reading this comic? Maybe. The next page shows Spider-Man fighting “a perfect replica” of the Spider-Mobile before telling us TWO MORE WEEKS passed since the end of last issue. TWO WEEKS! If Aunt May being missing wasn’t a central component of this comic, I could break up this story with issues from other series. Two weeks! Then, now, in the present, Felicia finally tells Spider-Man she found out Don Fortunato won the symbiote in that auction.

5 weeks since issue 1, 3 weeks since last issue. Being real luxurious with this timeline considering Spider-Man appears in 2 other monthly titles, but increasingly, no one cares about that. Well, next page, Spider-Man sneaks into “Nighthawks At The Diner” (????) and gets in trouble for using the bathroom without buying anything and is forced to sit down and order a coffee.

They say there’s a million stories in the naked city, but apparently only one in this series. What an appallingly lazy coincidence. The cops turn out to be responding someone hanging off the Chrysler Building pretending to be Spider-Man for the money. Peter is now home, running through his list of people who know his secret again, belatedly wondering who gave the Bugle $5 million for this contest. MJ tells him he has to relax, just for one night, and that they should go to the high school reunion. Meanwhile, Fortunato is about to take delivery of the symbiote. He endlessly belittles the son he intends to give it to while Eddie asks the kid if he really wants to do this.

Whatever. Now we’re at the reunion, where the narration suggests MJ did NOT go to high school with Peter & Liz despite the way last issue read. Fine! Peter talks to his old teacher, Mr. Warren (Not to be confused with his brother, Miles).

Solid bit, I must say. Then the boys all want Peter to go take a picture with them in the gym. They are being childish and cruel, everyone suddenly decides to info dump at each other about why Flash isn’t there, and then they try to give Peter a wedgie for old times’ sake. Really. A small army of grown men. Peter says the first person to touch him is leaving on a stretcher, really rising to the occasion, all as a Venom-shaped figure is intercut swinging through the night.