ASM 622

If there’s one thing I love, it’s sure not the weird, gloopy art of Simone Bianchi. Thankfully, inside Fred Van Lente is joined by Joe Quinones, in what I assume is one of his earliest comics gigs, drawing and coloring. Quinones is great, so this book will, at minimum, look nice.

I gotta say, this reversion of Felicia to almost the dumb dumb she was in the 80s is not welcome. She’s maybe the most brutal step backward in what has been a pretty backward facing initiative in Brand New Day. She’s so selfish she doesn’t care about Spider-Man’s personal life, she sold his blood to Draculas… They put so much work into making her more of a real person, and now… fart noise. “What am I doing with a woman who has no interest in me when I’m not wearing webs?” I don’t know, man, what were you doing in the exact same position with the exact same woman 30 years ago? Ya know? Is this thing on? What a bold new direction for the title!

I already think whoever this lady is has more depth than Black Cat 2010.

I guess we haven’t seen Morbius ’round these parts since before the relaunch, wow. Am I supposed to know he runs a “free clinic for the dead?” Does Peter Parker somehow not know what a Communion wafer is? Remember how Aunt May went to a pretty Catholic looking church? Well, anyway, Spider-Man finds Morbius sleeping upside down like a bat… despite not being a real vampire… and the vampire lady who is clearly using Spider-Man in some kind of beef with Morbius mentally commands him to invite her in, which he happily does. What about Peter constantly, stupidly insisting vampires weren’t real even as he hung out with Blade, is that not a thing anymore? Well, the vamp lady turns out to be Martine, Morbius’ one true love from when he was alive. What’s her deal?

This comic is really moving. I feel like the exposition is barely being exposited. I’m with Spidey on this.

Spider-Man crashes through a table that just happens to shatter into pieces that include one movie-perfect wooden stake. He really doesn’t want to stake Martine, thinking Spider-Man is supposed to be someone who doesn’t let people die. Uh… Hate to tell you about the whole “vampire” condition, buddy…. Anyway, she’s about to turn Morbius from a quasi-vampire to the real thing, and Spidey hesitates with the stakin’ and all.

Jack Russell is his best friend now? And he’s an undead werewolf? Man, make him a mummy, too, while you’re at it.

Man, whatever. This was a 70s issue of Marvel Team-Up. And in the spirit of the 70s, it was only 15 pages, so we got more stuff. We got a Flash Thompson story by Greg Weisman, Luke Ross and Rob Schwager. Yeah, that Luke Ross! Greg Weisman is beloved in nerd circles for the cartoon Gargoyles, but somewhere around this time, he’ll work on the really great Spectacular Spider-Man cartoon, and later, he’ll do some very solid Star Wars stuff before an extended run on an ancillary Spider-Man title. I didn’t know he got in this early. Well, as we saw the last couple times Luke Ross popped up on the blog, his art style is just kinda whatever he thinks is popular right now, so please welcome his 4th approach to the blog…

Kinda looks like Salvadore LaRocca. You could do better, Luke! Why does Peter have a mullet like it’s the 80s?

I feel… like that should say Four Weeks Earlier. Maybe. Well, Flash is in PT and not happy with his progress. He’s trying out some artificial legs and not doing too well on them, but he refuses to give up and/or ask for help and falls on his face in front of Peter & Betty.

So… we’re doing the stages of grief backwards? Three more weeks pass, and Peter comes to check up on Flash, who is at a computer and admits he needs “Puny’s” help. It’s 2010, Flash, come on. Man, this poor character has been through so much. His dumb reversion to mean jock really sucked. We learn Flash has been studying cybernetics. He’s got pictures of people taped to the wall like Iron Man, Doc Ock, and… Cable and Forge and Archangel from X-World, would he know who they are?.. and… A drawing of the Kangaroo from Ross’s run on Spectacular, is he cybernetic… and… a picture of 6-armed Spider-Man? And a Luke Ross drawing of the Lizard? Man, it’s weird for him to be calling out how different his art is now. Anyway, Flash decided that, instead of cybernetics, they can try to grow his legs back.

So, now, as Spider-Man, our hero calls Betty to ask what’s going on with Flash. She asks if he’s heard of the Five Stages of Grief. Peter says he knows all about grief in a panel where he’s surrounded by Ned Leeds, George Stacy, Gwen Stacy, and Dr. McCoy from Star Trek, who I think is supposed to be Uncle Ben. When in Rome, right Luke? So Betty’s theory is Flash is doing the stages backwards. Well… I guess so!

That Lizard is bugging me. Like it’s a swipe. Next, Peter is doing laundry with Harry, who is explaining that he and MJ are just roommates, when Peter’s phone rings, and his ringtone is “Single Ladies” by Beyonce. “If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.” Do you get it? Do you? And whoever calls is just who he wanted to talk to, and that takes us to a page where Flash is Tom Hanks for some reason???

This leads to Flash trying to get “REABILIFY,” a cybernetic limb treatment that sounds very shady. But he’s in Denial now, so he’s excited.

Jason Ionello and Tiny McKeever, wow!

And Liz and Randy and… whoever these other people are?

And Flash’s family, wow! Say, remember how Norman Osborn framed Flash for driving drunk, ruining his life and landing him in a coma, after which he just popped up totally fine with no repercussions just in time to ship out to war? Nothing ever came of it. No explanation, no vindication, no consequences. “I know you, my son who drunkenly crashed a big truck, were high roading me, your drunk dad, but…” What an awkward thing to deal with. I don’t blame them for glazing over it, really. I blame Paul Jenkins for causing it.

Sha Shan! WoW! Pulling out all the Flash Thompson stops! I never thought I’d see her again. Well, uh, not yet. So, it’s five weeks later still, and Flash has rejected the robo legs, and Sha Shan really is his personal trainer now.