Big finish. Big, dumb finish. JM DeMatteis makes his debut as writer of ASM. When I started his era, I obviously didn’t want to do it here. But we’ve managed to circle all the way back, and since DeMatteis is here, well, you know how this is gonna go…
DeMatteis does a recap page in his own dreary style, notably choosing to include The Jackal in a brief list of villains who’ve played mind games with Spider-Man in the past. Probably seemed innocuous to anyone who even remembered The Jackal in the first place, but means a lot more to me. Anyway, blah blah blah, sad sad sad, and then this unintentionally hilarious page…
And we’re off. Off to a page of Spider-Man entering the house almost hidden behind a wall of text. I’ll give DeMatteis this: For this type of material… for a Spider-Man driven by rage and hurt… none of the other guys is gonna come close to doing it as well as him. Now, does anyone actually want to read this? No. I feel pretty confident in saying that is not a popular choice. But it was made, and most likely handed down by editorial, and so it falls to the guy who handles wallowing in misery best to lead the charge. Spider-Man’s danger sense goes off, and 4 tigers appear. Where did Chameleon get tigers? Spider-Man is completely unfazed, yelling threats at his unseen foe and he starts beating up some big cats.
Curiously, there’s a lot of internal narration about how much Chameleon loved Kraven and how good they were together, which really doesn’t line up with DeMatteis’ take a few years from now. All of that over Chammy turning into Kraven and back and back and back while smashing a photo, then back to Spider-Man beating up tigers. “There’s a dark joy in this that Spider-Man has never known.” Beloved animal abuser, Spider-Man, everybody.
“I’m not gonna take my anger on on some abused ‘pet!’ I mean, I will absolutely beat 4 tigers unconscious and throw one of them into a wall so hard it looked like it would shatter every bone in its body, but that’s not abuse, that’s just me havin’ fun!” Spider-Man is led to a coffin covered in spiders. He opens it and finds himself inside. It’s a dummy, of course, and he shatters its face and keeps moving. Then this issue is rudely interrupted by a long advertisement for “Marvel Mart,” an attempt by the company to cut out the middle man and sell their increasingly terrible product directly to the dumb teens like me who were buying it. And the thing is, the ad is presented as a short comic story, and that story stars Peter & Mary Jane, so guess what? Here’s the whole thing:
Honestly? Probably more enjoyable than the rest of this comic. Writer Jim Krueger is only a few years away from his hit series Earth X with Alex Ross. Scott Williams is a prolific inker best known as Jim Lee’s long time partner (Still going strong). Hilarious. If I’d had more disposable income, I probably woulda really wanted that McFarlane Spider-Man standee. What an incredible sign of the times that they thought they could sell the War Machine one for more money due to its lights and sounds. Fans faced with a choice between Spider-Man or Wolverine by 2 of their most beloved artists, or… War Machine… I guess I have to get back to the real book now. Normally, I’d hold this insert for the end of the post, but as bad as this comic is, I don’t even care.
I mean, seriously, the ad was more fun. The stuffed animals start shooting lasers out of their eyes (Standard security feature), and Spider-Man dodgers around, then smashes through that dumb door with the spikes all over it to find himself face to face with Kraven.
SO many nets lately!
Again, that “copy” talk, no big deal… unless you know a clone is coming. Then the dumb lasers Kraven used to keep in the eyes on his vest zap Spider-Man. Chammy is actually wearing the outfit, loincloth and all. As he runs away an Spider-Man recovers, my earlier question is answered, as the panic makes Chameleon get through his mental blocks or whatever and remember he hates Kraven, that their childhood was miserable and he’s just repressed it all. Now THAT’S DeMatteisin’. He freaks out and decides to shoot himself just like Kraven did, but then Spider-Man’s on him, saying Chameleon’s not going to cheat him. Chammy starts begging for mercy, we’re almost out of pages, and it’s time for the big twist.
“With luck, I’ll hate again.” This is a dizzying mix of incredibly overwrought and completely wrong for the character, 10/10. But anyway…
In fairness, with that ending, it wouldn’t have been right for anyone else to write this issue. Well, there you have it. Mom and dad were and evil plot by Harry, initiated well before he died. Probably not even meant as a strike from beyond the grave, one assumes. As a youth, I was left wondering, “Does this mean Harry’s alive?” I guess I was never good with DeMatteis’ Green Goblin-related endings. But, yeah, he’s not, and that’s that. Spidey is now free to go tear up his new home and act like a horrible human being for many months so when they introduce the clone, you’ll be begging for him to take over the books. How’d that work out, fellas? But, absurdly, that doesn’t mean this block is over. Not by a longshot.