$1.50 for a book that was $2.95 30 years ago, ouch. Not the investment it was no doubt sold as. Terry Kavanaugh is here to introduce The Cadre, alongside penciler Nelson Ortega, inker Don Hudson and colorist Marie Jarvins. We open on a woman running from “a remote monastery in upstate New York” 19 years ago, dressed hilariously sexy, totally out of place.
Aw, jeez.
Yeah, this is totally Spider-Man material. 6 years later, the kids manifest some superpowers they didn’t know about while accidentally discovering a hidden library. One of the just happens to find a book about “the Hellbent” ni the aisles and aisles of books and instantly find not only their names, but “projected designates,” aka bad superhero names, for each before they’re caught and the book is taken away.
Why Jack and Stan and not Steve and Stan for the delivery guys? Rest in PIECES, bro!! The kids have somehow snuck into that delivery truck without being noticed or noticing their home was under attack, on a quest to find their parents, when the spiky one accidentally shoots a spike into the driver.
Well… Better than Annex, at least. The art team changes as we move to the next section, now comprised of Chris Marrinan, Keith Williams & Joe Rosas, as we find Peter & MJ dancing in The Rainbow Room.
Ugh. So much of their marriage was them fighting. Like, no one wanted to marry them, and then they were like, “see, the marriage was a mistake!” pointing at stories where MJ is always angry at Peter. Most people working on the titles turned one of the best characters in the book into a cliche nagging housewife instead of trying to write a decent relationship. Like the only way they could think of to create some drama for MJ was to have her mad. Blah. MJ storms off and Peter’s Spider Sense goes off, so he runs out and becomes Spider-Man in an elevator shaft. He’s off running around with no idea why as MJ returns, sees Spider-Man swing by outside the window, and angrily asks for the check. Yay. Spider-Man is then hit by some kind of vertigo, and barely avoids falling to the ground (A surprisingly familiar trope). Down below, The Cadre are fighting the cops, but our man’s not in the best shape to get involved.
Spidey flips around a flagpole to avoid hitting the ground, and then lands safely just in time to be nearly trampled by people fleeing the scene of the fight. And then he sees they’re running from crusaders on dragons. Then he finally sees The Cadre fighting those dorks in Code: Blue.
A storm of exposition. Spider-Man tries to go talk to the Cadre kids, saying he doesn’t want to choose sides before he knows what’s going on, so they of course attack him. He dodges all they got, but Dementia makes him dive into a wall thinking he’s tackling her. Then Vortex pushes him up toward the cops’ helicopter above them.
Chuppachu. Spidey manages to save the guys in the chopper as it comes apart, and then pretty easily downs the 2 guys in The Cadre in a single page. The cops try to execute Dementia by firing squad in the street, but her power keeps them from hitting her. Kind of amazing they don’t hit anyone else, either.
Oh, this is gonna get goofier?
Soooo, inside the dome, the Templar lady says Dementia’s power runs on pheromones, which Spider-Man then explains, at length, to the reader, in case they’re unfamiliar, which is very funny to me. Then they argue a little about what to do, the Templar wanting to just lead the kids away before the cops can do anymore damage, but then the cops are breaking through the web.
Rushed and awkward ending. Seems fitting, actually. Then it’s an epilogue with another new art team, Vince Evans, Bill Anderson & Mark Bernado, as Templar lady brings the kids back to the monastery to see the damage they should’ve heard as they were leaving and find everyone inside dead.
Ok, sure. Weeks later, Chole has the kids in a safehouse in Alphabet City, and Dementia hasn’t spoken since the previous page. The boys start fighting on the roof, but they’re just testing their powers.
So this is all some Moon Knight-related stuff? Good grief, what a waste of time. Unsurprisingly, these lames go on to appear in the final 5 issues of the contemporary Moon Knight comic, and that’s it. Shouldn’t this have been a Moon Knight annual? Next, Cloak & Dagger fight somebody called Mayhem for a couple pretty inconsequential pages, and then Nightwatch gets a solo story, about a 3rd of which is just recapping Web 100, and the rest of which is also inconsequential, and we’re out. Since they never did annuals for Adjectiveless Spider-Man, there’s only 1 left, and I am happy about that. This next one, at least, has some bearing on future stuff that has already been on the blog…